Things I Hate: Grocery Store Discount Cards

Today I took a short trip to Trader Joe's to pick up some minor necessary items. You know, bread, milk and the like. Once I had traversed the entire store to make sure that I had crossed everything off of my mental checklist (I never make grocery lists, which I know is a bad habit), I made my way to the front of the store to check out. Now, if you've ever been to Trader Joe's (and if you have not, what's wrong with you?), you know that it's great (and more inexpensive than your local chain) for the large majority of your needs, but if you want something like say, coffee creamer, they sometimes only have organic versions in stock. Since I'm not really down for spending seven bucks on coffee creamer, this can sometimes necessitate a trip to the larger grocery store to purchase these items.

So, as I'm checking out I'm watching the items go by and mentally noting what I need to grab at the Jewel before I stop home. Diet Coke, the aforementioned coffee creamer, ice cream because it is effing hot in Chicago right now. This is when I realize something: because I had just stepped out of the house quickly with just come cash and my phone, I didn't have my Jewel card on me. Damn it.

Now, everyone knows that when you want something from the store and don't have your store card on you, you have a few options. Option One: You can pay the marked-up amount and say nothing, which: eff that. Option Two: You can ask the person behind you politely if you can make use of their card, which I hate doing because it seems like intruding. They gave their personal information to get that card! Option Three: You can tell the clerk behind the counter that you don't have your card on you today, which means (at least at my store) that they have to hold up the line, ask the clerks to the left and right of them loudly which one of them has the card, and then they have to stop what they're doing to dig around in the pockets of their apron or whatever while everyone waits for the card they have to share to appear. This means that there are now a grand total of three clerks, two customers (who are being held up at checkout), and any number of people behind you who are now inconvenienced because you don't have your card. Eff that, too.

Back at Trader Joe's (where they don't have customer cards, because they rule) all this flashed through my head at once, causing me to roll my eyes absentmindedly. Trader Joe's clerks are always friendly and outgoing and make small talk (this happens so consistently that I'm sure it's company policy), so the poor dude that checked me out today was like "What's wrong?", which caused me to start laughing. "One of those days, eh?" he said, which I affirmed.

So you know what I did? I went home without coffee creamer. I didn't feel like going through the hassle of buying something, and then dealing with all the extra bullshit that comes with it. It shouldn't be a hassle to purchase something small. I need coffee creamer, you have coffee creamer, we can do business. But no, Jewel, you have lost the opportunity for my business, because you require an inordinate amount of crap so that I can enjoy a hint of French Vanilla in the morning. I'll be buying my coffee creamer from the convenience store at the end of the block in my sleep shorts through half-shut eyes at 7 AM tomorrow. Everyone will think that I am a zombie. Jerk.

Literally EVERY damn store has a card now. I was in CVS last night buying grooming products, and the dude at checkout asked me for my CVS card while I was handing him my supplies. WTF? Just let me buy my shampoo and razors, assholes. So, of course, I had to sign up for one, and submitting my contact information to the giant corporate conglomerate ended up saving me a grand total of fifty-one cents. Fuck you, CVS discount card.

You know who I think is actually behind the proliferation of discount cards at retail outlets? The wallet manufacturing industry. Seriously, because of those things my wallet looks like it's been sitting in the back alley behind a Taco Bell. It's frayed, there are cards shoved into every available space, and when I put it in my back pocket and sit on the couch it looks like I belong in an M.C. Escher painting. And what does that mean? It means I have to buy a new wallet every six months, because I can't go anywhere anymore without my Jewel Card, my Dominick's Card, my Costco Card, my Speedy Rewards Card, my Express Card, my "Rent 10 ugly tuxes for your friend's wedding and get the 11th ugly tux free" card from Men's Wearhouse, my Gap Card, my Best Buy Rewards Card, and my Circuit City "Are People Still Shopping Here?" Card. You know what, wallet industry? I'm on to you! CONSPIRACY!

Anyway, my point is: screw grocery store (or any store, really) customer cards. The purpose of the cards is supposedly to provide discounts to loyal customers, but we all know that's not true. It's actually to punish people who forget their card and to allow the store to charge outrageously for shit when people are too timid to say anything. They then keep track of everything you buy and send you coupons for shit you purchase frequently, which would be convenient except no one under 50 uses coupons anymore and so it's actually Big Brother-y and creepy. Fight the power, people. Shop at Trader Joe's, buy your gas at locally owned stations. Patronize places that don't require a tally of everything you buy so that they can increase price when demand goes up. Do it because it's good for consumers.

Also do it because my wallet needs friends.